Called to God…and magic? Advice for a very confused Christian

I grew up in an areligious family but have been a committed Christian since I was 12, when God compelled me to pray one night. He has been a consistent and often blatant presence in my life since that time (I am now 32), and turning from Him in any way would feel like a profound betrayal. He carried me during my darkest times, and I wish to honor Him.

At the same time, I have felt a call to magic and the occult for as long as I can remember. As a young boy I was drawn to death, instinctively performed rudimentary spellwork (whose implications I did not understand), searched for portals to "another world," and experienced vivid precognitive dreams and occasional waking revelations. I also found that, if I wanted something badly enough, I could often make it happen by thinking about it in a certain way. These abilities were so natural that I never stopped to think whether they were "right" or "wrong." Some of the magic I worked as a teen and pre-teen was fairly heavy duty (I was self-conscious about my height, for instance, and intentionally made myself stop growing) and most of it was done without my conceiving of it as "magic."

My realization in my early twenties that the things I'd been doing since childhood were sorcery brought about a moral conflict I have never been able to resolve. It is worth noting that I was adopted, and learned in adulthood that my birthmother was a witch who came from a family of witches. Some of my spellwork practices, done in isolation and ignorance, turned out to be in keeping with some of theirs.

So here is where I stand: I trust in a God whom I believe saved me, and who has always guided me true. My faith requires me accept His will and not insert my own flawed will in its place. But I was also born with obvious magical ability and an intense draw to the supernatural. How can I reconcile these things? How can I follow Him faithfully but indulge in the magical side of me? Alternately, why would He give me a gift and then forbid me to use it? I am exasperated and confused. Any insight is much appreciated.

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