Called to God…and magic? Advice for a very confused Christian
I grew up in an areligious family but have been a committed Christian since I was 12, when God compelled me to pray one night. He has been a consistent and often blatant presence in my life since that time (I am now 32), and turning from Him in any way would feel like a profound betrayal. He carried me during my darkest times, and I wish to honor Him.
At the same time, I have felt a call to magic and the occult for as long as I can remember. As a young boy I was drawn to death, instinctively performed rudimentary spellwork (whose implications I did not understand), searched for portals to "another world," and experienced vivid precognitive dreams and occasional waking revelations. I also found that, if I wanted something badly enough, I could often make it happen by thinking about it in a certain way. These abilities were so natural that I never stopped to think whether they were "right" or "wrong." Some of the magic I worked as a teen and pre-teen was fairly heavy duty (I was self-conscious about my height, for instance, and intentionally made myself stop growing) and most of it was done without my conceiving of it as "magic."
My realization in my early twenties that the things I'd been doing since childhood were sorcery brought about a moral conflict I have never been able to resolve. It is worth noting that I was adopted, and learned in adulthood that my birthmother was a witch who came from a family of witches. Some of my spellwork practices, done in isolation and ignorance, turned out to be in keeping with some of theirs.
So here is where I stand: I trust in a God whom I believe saved me, and who has always guided me true. My faith requires me accept His will and not insert my own flawed will in its place. But I was also born with obvious magical ability and an intense draw to the supernatural. How can I reconcile these things? How can I follow Him faithfully but indulge in the magical side of me? Alternately, why would He give me a gift and then forbid me to use it? I am exasperated and confused. Any insight is much appreciated.
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After reading your recount, I don't believe it's God that you're butting heads with but rather religion. God and religion are two very different things.
I explain spirituality and religion to my children with the analogy of the locked room and key hole. Imagine that the nature of God and everything that encompasses is inside of a locked room. We don't have the key to this room but we can peak through the keyhole and see a small portion and catch glimpses of what's inside. Religion is someone else's account of what they think they have witnessed when looking through the keyhole. And that is perfectly fine to take that account and say yes, I agree with this and I will carry on and live my life according to these accounts and this is what I believe. But others may not be satisfied with the account or disagree entirely, so they chose another person's account of what they think they've seen, or they chose to go up to the key hole and look for themselves. And all ways are right, because ultimately no one can go in that room and know for sure the entirety of the true nature of Spirit.
But if your personal truth (knowing you have been given gifts by God) is clashing with your religion, than perhaps you have spiritually out grown that religion. Religion in a lot of ways is a neat little box that people try to fit "God" into, because they're comfortable in that box and it makes them feel safe when they have rules and commandments governing them. But the reality is the nature of God can never be confined by or even comprehended by the Human spirit. So it's not going against God by exploring or embracing your spiritual gifts.
I was also raised Christian in Southern Baptist churches of the South East US, and I too struggled a bit with the notion I was "sinning" or "going to hell". But really these are conditioned responses created by religions. And this is no accident, many dominant religions were put into place or declared the "official" religion of certain regions because it was the best way to control the masses. And this is still a major function of them today. (What better way to keep children in line than by telling them their actions will "make Jesus sad", or that they will go to hell by giving into natural biological urges before participating in a government instituted contract AKA sex before marriage?)
Try googling "magic in the bible" or things like "was Jesus a magician" or "witches in the bible", and you will find a lot of alternative information with solid references based in the Holy Bible that lay out that there are many many more ways than just one to interpret "God's word". And from there I suggest doing some research into Jehovah, nd how the nature of that specific account of God was formed and his history. All modern religions (and Christianity is relatively modern compared to the other major religions) and mostly all religions for that matter, have pieces of older religions, traditions, and Deities mixed and matched together like a puzzle. There are all sorts of witchcraft and magical accounts in the bible (because more than anything it is a valuable piece of historical information functioning as a perfect snapshot of the times and attitudes towards spirituality when it was constructed.) Many things are just twisted in a way as to still "make sense" with the common interpretation of it all. For example, I've had the gift of mediumship for as long as I can remember. My mother explained it as "oh, well you have the gift of 'discernment of spirits'". It's the same exact thing but to my mother saying it one way is biblical and simply using a different word to describe it is "the devil".
I wish you good luck on your journey. My last advice would be to pray, meditate, or whatever it is you do but ask God for guidance and then LISTEN. That's the important part. You don't need religion to tell you what God wants for you simply ask and Spirit will answer. But you gotta listen and be open to receiving the answers.
I've been away for a little while and was pleased to come back and find this detailed, thoughtful reply. This has been an area of struggle for me and it's heartening to see that at least one other person of faith has gone through the same thing. Thank you for taking the time to respond.